The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
You Might Also Like
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
This January has 47 Mondays
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I’m sorry…what?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*