Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
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Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
HR said no more nunchucks.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.