Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
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I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
6. me as a lawyer
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Wait for it
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Um … Hot Wings please
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”