Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.