Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
🙂🐾
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.