coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
🙋♀️
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt