Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.