Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
i choose….tongue
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.