8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The glockness monster
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I wish I were this cool 😂
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Good morning, Twitter x
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing