I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Where is your GOD now????
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.