Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
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the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
cat vs inanimate object
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.