Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.