Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
it was love at first sight
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.