the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
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Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said