Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
sensitive skin
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
men are simple creatures
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.