[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
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[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite