How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!