*seductively eats two tums*
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“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.