never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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From my Mom
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
⛄️
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus