*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?