Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Duck typos.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life