It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money