People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
You Might Also Like
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
#oldknees
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.