calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
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Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house