Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.