Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”