imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
You Might Also Like
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
no regrets
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?