sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.