I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.