Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.