It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
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boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Oh my god
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.