I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Trains are just sideway elevators.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like