RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Risking my life for fun.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
White Castle for the Win
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning