[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
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The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.