January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
emergency phone
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Close call…