I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.