Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
sugar glider wrangler
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Anime is real
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
an octopus is just a wet spider
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]