[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
WHY?!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped