Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
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When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Otters see a butterfly.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant