employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Have kids, they said
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.