friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
You Might Also Like
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too