I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that