I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
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I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
me adding lol on a serious message
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.