Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Butt weight. There’s more!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.