All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
mmm onion ringos
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.