If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
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st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry