My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]