If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
@ candidates for local office
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
cat vs inanimate object
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.