Smells like a challenge to me
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
not seeing the problem
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign