My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
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Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.